I’ve decided to make the move to Tumblr, mostly because Blogger just kind of sucks. Plus -you know- all the cool kids are doing it. Hopefully this will be something I update more frequently than any of my other social media services, especially my poor neglected Twitter.
As I stand here teetering on the brink of success, it’s time for a look back. It’s been a VERY rocky road that I’ve traveled, but I think that’s probably why it’s important to take note of these things. I should start by telling you that there is a colony of ants that live in my computer. I feel like this is something that will come up fairly frequently.
Anyway, the story here starts well before 2010-2011, but they are the important parts. Suffice it to say I’ve lead a life of adventure, which is nowhere near as romantic or glamorous as it should be. I’ve dined with celebrities in New York and Hollywood, which isn’t to say that I’m special, simply that it’s who you know and who they know that can take you places. I’ve danced on top of the Rockies and the Cascades, lived in solitude and been a social butterfly. I’ve surfed from Malibu to the (so-they-say) world-famous Cocoa Beach Pier. There are many things I haven’t done, but in twenty-four (almost twenty-five, scary thought) years I have had my share of adventures. What most people don’t realize about being a wandering adventurer though, is that unless you are some sort of incredibly rare Richard Branson-type person, it usually includes sleeping in your truck and wondering when your next meal will be from time to time. I’m no different; I have frequently forsaken stability and everything reasonable in favor of charging off after adventure. Owning only enough clothing to fit into a small suitcase was fine for me, because I was doing something grand and marvelous with my life.
Now though, as I sit here having just accepted a fifty-thousand dollar a year job offer, all I can do is look around me and see things that need to be replaced, things that need to be upgraded and changed and a small part of me wonders at the fact that I’ve even gotten where I am. it’s amazing to me how far I’ve come in the last two years based on sheer force of will alone. It hit me last night though, that there was a catalyst for this new-found sense of power, this rekindled drive. And to be honest I can only think of one person to thank for where I am now, as twisted as it is.
Unfortunately, when you are constantly shuffling the deck, you are bound to pull up some not-so-great cards every now and then. That has happened to me time and time again, but the worst of it was definitely in 2010/2011. I had just moved back to Florida and broken up with my girlfriend of five years. I was living on a futon, and the only real possession I had was a motorcycle that got me in endless trouble, both financially and with the law. My plans had crumbled. I was directionless, full of boundless potential energy, but with nowhere to direct it. The plan had been to get another apartment and continue living a slightly less adventurous life with this girl, and when that fell apart I honestly had no idea where to go from there. I wasn’t absorbed in despair, I wasn’t really devastated by the loss of her, there were just to many potential outcomes for me to even be able to sit down and start to form a plan. I was overwhelmed.
And then, in the midst of floating around aimlessly, I met a girl. Before we go any farther, let me be clear: this is a very different kind of fairytale. I won’t use her name here, because her anonymity is important, but she used to go by Lady Lomax. I’m not sure if she still does or not, but for now I think “LL” is an appropriate moniker.
Anyway, LL was beautiful, smart, artistic, slightly crazy ( I mean that in the best possible way) and not afraid to live life outside the norm. In short, she was everything that I could have ever wanted. Being around her breathed new life into me, and I became determined to be the best person I could possibly be for her. I dove into the relationship with everything I was, which was unfortunate because what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was deeply fractured emotionally. There were fissures that went all the way down to my very foundation, and it ended because of my inability to function. The worst part was that at the time I had no idea how broken I really was. When she left it stuck with me more than any of my other failed relationships, and I could not understand why. Looking back now, I know it’s because for the first time I could look at myself in the mirror and the only answer that came back was “This was one-hundred percent your fault, you idiot.” This was not something I could simply brush off with a laugh and an off-kilter grin like usual.
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